Sunday, July 13, 2014

Life, what a journey

I haven’t blogged in a long time and it is long overdue.  For those that are close to me my father passed away a few months ago due to a second stroke.  Ive been wanting to write for a long time but to be honest just haven’t been able to gather my thoughts without just writing something in haste.  I used to be able to write and been able to control my emotions when I was down or depressed but this is just different.   But I think im ready now.   A little background of my father, the dude was super strict to the point where you would think he was nuts.  But to be honest I wouldn’t of had it any other way.  With my personality I was always getting into trouble.  I was always getting into the wrong crowd.  Ive had my run ins with the law when I was younger to the point where I had to be sent to a different school.  Although I probably wouldn’t try to employ my dad’s teachings in certain scenarios but there was no denying… the guy had our backs.  He loved us like no other.  Whenever I got into trouble, where I was obviously wrong he would always be there for support.  He would punish me in other ways but to this day that is the reason why I am what I am.  My friends that are really close to me I know have my back through thick and thin.  And that’s one key quality I look for to completely trust someone.  
I didn’t really want to talk about poker right now, but I think a lot of the reason why I have been so successful at it was because ever since I was young ive had to “level” my dad.  He was always angry and I would always need to find ways to keep him in equilibrium.  Spill water, o shit your getting fcked up, break something your getting fcked up.  So ever since I was young I was always trying to get reads, figured out what set him off and what kept him happy.  After his first stroke 16 years ago whenever I would come home he would never be mad.  But my mom recently told me that he was always mad haha.  I just knew how to deal with him.  My dad had this dark humor/ sarcasm and every time I went home I never really took anything seriously.   Now when I play poker I feel like I can dictate a conversation as to where I want it to go and the same thing goes for when im playing live.
 * dont know when this was taken but my dad loved chess, he was very patient like myself hahah* a gamer

My mom, now that’s one strong woman.  To put up what she was able to put up with and to still be in love with someone to me was absolutely incredible. I went home recently and she showed me the stone she made and when she passes she wants to be buried right on top of him with space on the stone for her as well. My mom is an incredible person and I have nothing bad to say about her.  Without her my dad wouldn’t have lasted as long as he did, I really believe that.  16 years in the condition he was in and to keep him going that long was a feat in itself.  My dad wasn’t supposed to make it very long after the first time but he did, and only because of my mom.  She was with him to the very end.  Man, she is such a strong person it was incredible what she had to go through.  Trying to take care of my dad when he was in hospice and trying to calm her kids down as well. I was drinking pretty much every day because it was just getting to me.  Did I cry, yes… but I did that in my car and never showed that to my dad because he NEVER wanted us to show any weakness.  He brought us up to be tough as nails so whenever I was around and he would open his eyes I tried to be calm and collect my emotions so he knows ill be okay.  I said what I had to say though, I said I love you and prayed for him.  Was with him to the very end, to the very last breathe till he left his shell.  “I love you dad, I pray for you every day still you are missed”.
                                         * my mom taking care of my dad to the very end*

A few days earlier we tried to get a load off and it was my niece’s b day.  Isn’t life incredible, one life ends and another one basically begins.  The constant cycle of life, that’s why you should never take it for granted .   Spend time with your family and people that are close to you.  Let them know how much you care because you never know when its your time.  Leave positive impressions in people’s life and always treat others the way you would like to be treated. 

It was hard to see my dad buried.  I know it was just a shell of him and he is with us in spirit.  My dads death got everyone together again.  We did novena, got together to watch the boxing fights…. Theres always someone over kickin’ it with my mom.  Our home is very welcoming, when I got it for my mom years ago we always wanted to make improvements but never really got around to it.  Now she has a bunch of trees out there and wants to fix the pool because that’s what my dad wanted.  Its just good to see everyone together.  When I went to college I felt liberated and just lost track of what was most important.  I wish I went home more because family is everything.  No offense to my friends or anything but there were weeks where I could have laid off getting fcked up and just going home and hanging out.  So for the few people that read this if your going to learn anything from this post just remember this.  I always tell my fiancé, hang out with your dad.  Hang out with him instead of me that’s fine… family first.

One thing im sad about is that my dad won’t be able to make it to my wedding, physically.  I know he will be there in spirit but im still saving a seat for him right next to my mom.  He’s still getting his order and still going to be watching over me and the love of my life.  God works in mysterious ways but he had a plan and it was just my dad’s time.